There are no real endings ever—happy or otherwise. We all have our own stories which are just a part of the one Story that binds both this world and Faerie. Sometimes we step into each others' stories—perhaps for just a few minutes, perhaps for years—and then we step out of the again. But all the while the Story just goes on." Cerin Kelledy*
That quote, from a story by Charles de Lint (as properly noted as i could make it below, I'm a bit out of practice) truly resonates with me lately, even more strongly when reflecting on my return to the list, and all the changes... though I know what I have seen is only a small part of what is changed, with folks over time.
I've been wanting to post with a bunch of thoughts , but been having trouble putting my thoughts in order; and decided to be crafty and lure you in with a quote from a master, before you were subjected to my less refined ramblings. Lately I've been reading through a large binder, of printouts, from the original Tamson House site, which I made in 99, plus some logs of chats with folks from then i had also printed, and also browsing through old emails from the list, and people at that time. I've been on what has turned out to be a recursive journey back in time. Looking back on old journals of that time, the Fox of those journals was then looking back to an even earlier time of times.. and wondering how he got there, and where he would be; which is in no way where I am.
Sometimes it seems I'm not even the main character in my life, but shuffled off to spear holder #2 , or I suppose a more modern example: random crowd member #17.
It seems that for me, no matter what one person desires, we do step in and out of peoples stories, sometimes unwillingly ... or more it feels like they step in and out of mine. I think back to all the people I've known, friends, coworkers ... and how few I still know, see, talk with: 10, 20, 30 years later. I know part of it is seems to just be part of life, coworkers, even if they become friends, slowly seem to drift apart, everyone (except me it seems :P) growing up maturing, getting on with the business of life, having families, sometimes moving far away.
There are folks, I don't hear from I would like too, but finally i just tire of always being the person reaching out and never reached for, and stop trying.
Do other folks folks have that experience, or am i just too [something or other cannot find a word] ?
On a different note, looking back makes me see how much has changed in my life and how much I have changed, and experienced in some ways (boy that's a bit vague but specifics might be TMI) and yet in some ways I haven't changed at all, still struggling with the same questions put to those journals decades ago.
I always thought the image of the shelves of journals in Tamson House was such a compelling one, not that i have many or they are of any great caliber.
From a book, that was originally going to be a book of ideas... with quotes on one side (the one i start with is one) and my thoughts on another... unfortunately I never got very far with filling it out.
5/25/1997 "Do you ever fear that you will get to the end of your life and realize you never really lived - did what you wanted - followed your dreams? I do...."
It's strange, or maybe not, I don't have a large sample to go on :) currently I feel as if I was a lot wiser, years ago than i have been lately; almost as if i was enthralled and entranced by the glamour of Faerie for a long time (though nothing so wonderful) and am only now starting to come back somewhat to my senses. I thought people were supposed to get wiser with age, not wiser then dumber....
And with that thought, I shall end this missive, which has taken far longer than I thought to write, and said far less of substance than I hoped. At least it has a worthwhile quote at the start.
Fox
Footnote:
*De Lint, Charles. "Ghosts of Wind and Shadow." Dreams Underfoot. New York: TOR, 1994. 217-18. Print
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